Love Letter

(originally written on November 23rd, 2010)

You are amazing.

For so many reasons, you are amazing.

You’re intelligent, sweet, silly, sassy, hilarious, caring, talented.

You’ve taken care of me when I’ve felt horrible. I’ve cried into your chest when I’ve been upset about being replaced in one of my communities, when I’ve been hurt by my family’s unacceptance, when my other partner has made me feel like utter shit, when I’ve mourned the past because I thought my ex may have never loved me in the first place.

You’ve respected my decision-making skills, even when they have brought me (directly or indirectly) pain. You’ve worried over me, and advised me, and held me. You’ve never harmed me. You’ve always considered me a worthwhile human being, and held me in high-esteem. You’ve been proud of me. You’ve been there for and with me. You’ve called me out on my shit, and worried when it seemed like I was compromising my beliefs for someone else who didn’t deserve it.

You’ve cooked for me, and sung with me, and danced with me. You’ve pushed your boundaries for me. You’ve adored me. You’ve devoted yourself to me so much, and I thank you. You’ve treated me like a queen, and been the best partner I could’ve ever imagined.

I’ve constantly felt your love and your presence, even thousands of miles away.

Our relationship has been amazing.

You’ve been amazing.

And for that, I wanted to write this…as a thank you.

As a way of showing you how much you mean to me.

As a way of saying I love you.

Slut

This is something I wrote this summer and posted elsewhere. It's time it showed up here.

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I feel like a slut. Which isn’t actually a bad thing. All woo-woo empowering language from “The Ethical Slut” and redefinitions of the word slut aside, right now, what this word means to me is that I’m a person who loves sex and enjoys it. I’m a person who might want to have sex with many people, and that’s okay. It means I’m more free to enjoy a relationship for what it IS and not what it COULD be, or what I WANT it to be “in the future”; a relationship IS and I can cherish it and nurture it and just let it evolve at its own pace.

Being a secure slut right now means finding beauty in many places and wanting to be a part of it. It means wanting to consume and create wonderful things, by myself and with others. It means having a greater appreciation for other fantastic human beings, and wanting to manifest that in a sexual way, because of how magical and spectacular and funny and ridiculous and intense sex can be.

Being a confident, partnered slut right now means connecting with others using my body, but also my brain, and really enjoying those connections, however brief or intense they might be, AND also having someone to come home to, be it myself or my primary. Oftentimes both!

Breakup Playlist

Music is an integral part of my life. If I don't have music pumping through my headphones, I'm humming a melody, or drumming on my thighs, or swaying back and forth. The point is, music is everpresent in my existence, when I'm walking down the street and as I'm falling asleep. It can be an almost imperceptible undercurrent, or it can be something intense and deafening.

For that reason, music is very important when it comes to processing my emotions.

I have a bunch of "Shambles" playlists, those I've created when I've needed sad music. And thus, here I give you the playlist I created recently, on the 3rd of December, when one of my partners and I had an unfortunate, but necessary breakup. Consider it inspiration, maybe; somewhere from which to draw if you're sad, perhaps.

I haven't organized them, so ignore the order. They represent my variety of feelings. Some songs are present in many of my Shambles playlists, but others are pretty specific to this person and this scenario. Also? Funny to note the overlap between some of my sad playlists and some of my romantic playlists!

1. Breakin' Up by Rilo Kiley
2. Galaxies by Laura Veirs
3. Chasing Pavements by Adele
4. True Affection by The Blow
5. Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
6. Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine
7. The Ice Is Getting Thinner by Death Cab for Cutie
8. Let Go by Frou Frou
9. Papa Was a Rodeo by The Magnetic Fields
10. Wrong for You by The Girls Can Hear Us
11. Love Ridden by Fiona Apple
12. I Thought You Were My Boyfriend by The Magnetic Fields
13. When You Go by Jonathan Coulton
14. Precious Things by Tori Amos
15. So This Is Goodbye (Pink Ganter Remix) by William Fitzsimmons
16. Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine
17. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
18. Somebody That I Used To Know by Elliot Smith
19. Ex Girlfriend Syndrome by Charlotte Sometimes
20. The Misery Love Co. by The Spaceshots
21. Sleeping With Ghosts by Placebo
22. Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley
23. Without You I'm Nothing by Placebo
24. The Crawl by Placebo
25. Accidntel Deth by Rilo Kiley
26. Soil, Soil by Tegan and Sara

[Review] Gun Oil Silicone Lubricant

For a while there, I never used lube.

It didn't feel necessary, and the few times I'd tried it, the lube had pushed the wetness threshold into "TOO SLIPPERY!" territory. However, as my sexual practices and proclivities began to shift, I eventually found myself needing some additional lubricious help; what my body was producing was no longer cutting it.

Fortunately, the lovely folks at Fascinations are apparently tuned into my thoughts, because they sent me a bottle of Gun Oil silicone lubricant to review. Previously, I'd been using little packets of Pjur and, while nice, I needed an actual BOTTLE of lubricant. It was time to get serious about this slippery business; little packets were good for travel, but not for handling mid-sexual-encounter-need-lots-of-lube-goddammit-this-packet-is-hard-to-tear-with-already-lubey-hands situations.

Enter a 4 oz. bottle of Gun Oil, produced by Empowered Products (also the makers of Pink lube!), which markets this lubricant as what can "keep man's most important weapon well oiled."

Packaging & Look:

Depending on where you purchase it, this lubricant comes in a few different sizes and packaging styles. Personally, I think mine's the coolest, because it has a bullet-like look and a pump top dispenser for ease of use during sexual activity. 

The brownish-mustard top is actually just a decorative "sock" covering the clear plastic cap, so if you want to get rid of that part (to make the lube look less like a bullet and/or make it easier to handle, since the plastic covering slips off constantly and can make you just drop the actual bottle of lube), you can do that. I like keeping mine on because it makes it look...tougher. HARDCORE LUBE IS HOW I ROLL, FOLKS. Of course.

If you're someone who has issues tearing packets, using flip-top dispensers, or being patient, the pump will be a godsend. Leave it uncapped nearby and when you need it, just pump n' squirt where desired.

What is IN this?

First off: this is a silicone-based lubricant, and thus is NOT COMPATIBLE with silicone toys. For silicone toys, make sure you're using a water-based lubricant. For safer sex materials, such as condoms, both water- and silicone-based lubes are good (just stay away from oil-based ones, since they degrade latex).

Gun Oil includes vitamin E and aloe vera, and to get more scientific about it, Gun Oil's ingredients are: cyclopentasiloxane, dimethicone, dimethiconol, tocopheryl acetate (vitamin E), and Aloe Barbadensis leaf extract.


So what's the verdict?

The consistency is smooth, thin, and watery, which is nice for people who hate gel lubes or ones that are very stringy. There was absolutely no taste or odor, which makes it EXCELLENT for oral sex (or transitioning to oral sex). I also really appreciated it when giving manual stimulation to male-bodied folks; it was quite handy (aha! pun! oh man, I'm terrible).

Unfortunately, it wasn't super long-lasting, so I had to resort to many reapplications, but it made my skin feel good afterward. Maybe I just didn't use enough from the get-go? Perhaps. A tip would be to put lube on ALL the individual body parts you want to rub together and err on the side of too much lube rather than less.

Other uses:

• If you get "chub-rub", you can put some silicone lubricant on your inner thighs to avoid that situation.

You might also want to check out:

• Gun Oil (2 oz.)
• Gun Oil H2O (2 oz.) - water-based lubricant!
• Gun Oil Recon - hybrid gel
• If you want something NOT transparent, go for the semen-like look of Liquid Silk