Questions from a Closeted Kinkster

hi there, i saw you on twitter and noticed yr going to geeky kink! i'm a closeted young(ish) kinkster who would love to be the type that goes to cons, has play partners, etc, but doesn't know anyone or have any connections. do you have any resources or tips? what was yr first bdsm con like? were you intimidated? do you have a kink coming out story? feel free to neglect any of my questions if they're too prying. 

Resources/tips: For online community, check Twitter and Fetlife circles. On Fetlife, be active on discussion boards for things that call your attention. On Twitter, find folks that are awesome and engage with them. Tumblr is also fantastic; just find BDSM bloggers, follow kinky tags, reblog some things you find hot and start making connections with other people that share those tastes/interests! Those online friendships can sometimes very easily translate into in-person friendships or even relationships. Speaking for myself, my primary partner and I started talking through OKCupid. Many of the people I smooch and/or am GOOD friends with right now, I met online first through various means. Also--meeting through friends of friends. Joining pre-existing networks of kinksters makes your circles grow exponentially. Speaking of which--there are some colleges with BDSM groups, most notably Columbia with Conversio Virium.

Go to events, definitely, if you feel comfortable (or ok) doing so. The Internet is awesome, but in-person interactions can also be very important. There are a wide variety of cons (some that allow play, some that don't) for different demographics (transfolks, queer women, youngsters, yada yada) and different proclivities (e.g. rope cons, high-protocol cons, etc.). You can search for them, and here's where Fetlife also comes in handy--people post events there! You can also go to munches and meet local BDSM folk. A safe way of dipping your toes in might be to go to conferences that don't allow play (e.g. Fetish Fair Fleamarket, which is also pretty cheap) or going to conferences with curious friends and sticking together. Generally, though, here are some names of fun cons you could check out:

• Dark Odyssey (they have Fusion, Winter Fire, and Summer Camp)
• Trans CampOut
• Geeky Kinky Event
• Wicked Faire
• Floating World
• TESFest
• FetFest
• Fetish Fair Fleamarket

Also, different organizations host parties and/or do classes like the New England Leather Alliance. ALSO OH MAN, check out KinkAcademy.com. SO MANY RESOURCES AND VIDEOS. Awesome education on-demand (by subscription). Totally worth it. Finally, don't feel pressured to have 69 play partners. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's about satisfaction, not numbers. Similarly, it's not about being on ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS EVARRRR, but being happy with the stuff you're on.

My first con: was the Fetish Fair Fleamarket in Providence. Fun classes, cool fashion show, lots of people, vendors, the whole thing--but no public play, no dungeon. It was a "safe" con in that respect; no need to put myself out there (even though I would have done so if I'd had the chance). Wasn't intimidated. Was very excited. Felt "holy shit, these are my people" when I walked in. Super happy to see so many kinksters in one place. It was joyous. Not everyone feels that way, though; some people are overwhelmed, intimidated, scared, nervous, and the list goes on. It's about seeing what ways make you interact, but also feel comfortable.

Kink coming out story: I'm always coming out to new people! My favorite stories usually stem from trips in airports or on mass transit. Hilarious conversations usually ensue. One involved 2 drunk guys talking to my boss/colleague and I when we were in Florida for an adult novelties convention, and us showing them male chastity devices because they wanted to see toys and those were at the top of our bag. Perfect coincidence. On a more family-related level, I came out to my mother indirectly when she read my chat logs and some stuff in my journals when I was a teenager. I've come out to her again since, both directly (saying I'm into a variety of kink stuff) and indirectly (hello, bruising!). I've come out to friends, but usually without making a big kerfuffle about it because sexuality is such a huge part of my life in general, that it's not super surprising or unheard of in the circles that I travel.

When did I notice I was kinky? The first big inklings came when I was 14 and I had this kind of random role-play via chat with a guy (he was 18) from an art-site I frequented (deviantART). It started out pretty mellow, and then it turned into this sexualized, violent thing involving me getting impaled in the chest by a rusty spike. I don't even know. It was bizarre. I was confused and turned on and mildly horrified...and that began my first online dating situation. WILD wild stuff, I tell ya. The other big milestone was watching Secretary. Classic. I have SO many fond memories of that movie. It's kind of become code for kinky. If someone tells me they like "Secretary," it's usually a sign that they're kinky. NOT always, but often. For some people, it's like flagging--the hanky code, but with movie choices.