Questions from a Closeted Kinkster

hi there, i saw you on twitter and noticed yr going to geeky kink! i'm a closeted young(ish) kinkster who would love to be the type that goes to cons, has play partners, etc, but doesn't know anyone or have any connections. do you have any resources or tips? what was yr first bdsm con like? were you intimidated? do you have a kink coming out story? feel free to neglect any of my questions if they're too prying. 

Resources/tips: For online community, check Twitter and Fetlife circles. On Fetlife, be active on discussion boards for things that call your attention. On Twitter, find folks that are awesome and engage with them. Tumblr is also fantastic; just find BDSM bloggers, follow kinky tags, reblog some things you find hot and start making connections with other people that share those tastes/interests! Those online friendships can sometimes very easily translate into in-person friendships or even relationships. Speaking for myself, my primary partner and I started talking through OKCupid. Many of the people I smooch and/or am GOOD friends with right now, I met online first through various means. Also--meeting through friends of friends. Joining pre-existing networks of kinksters makes your circles grow exponentially. Speaking of which--there are some colleges with BDSM groups, most notably Columbia with Conversio Virium.

Go to events, definitely, if you feel comfortable (or ok) doing so. The Internet is awesome, but in-person interactions can also be very important. There are a wide variety of cons (some that allow play, some that don't) for different demographics (transfolks, queer women, youngsters, yada yada) and different proclivities (e.g. rope cons, high-protocol cons, etc.). You can search for them, and here's where Fetlife also comes in handy--people post events there! You can also go to munches and meet local BDSM folk. A safe way of dipping your toes in might be to go to conferences that don't allow play (e.g. Fetish Fair Fleamarket, which is also pretty cheap) or going to conferences with curious friends and sticking together. Generally, though, here are some names of fun cons you could check out:

• Dark Odyssey (they have Fusion, Winter Fire, and Summer Camp)
• Trans CampOut
• Geeky Kinky Event
• Wicked Faire
• Floating World
• TESFest
• FetFest
• Fetish Fair Fleamarket

Also, different organizations host parties and/or do classes like the New England Leather Alliance. ALSO OH MAN, check out KinkAcademy.com. SO MANY RESOURCES AND VIDEOS. Awesome education on-demand (by subscription). Totally worth it. Finally, don't feel pressured to have 69 play partners. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it's about satisfaction, not numbers. Similarly, it's not about being on ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS EVARRRR, but being happy with the stuff you're on.

My first con: was the Fetish Fair Fleamarket in Providence. Fun classes, cool fashion show, lots of people, vendors, the whole thing--but no public play, no dungeon. It was a "safe" con in that respect; no need to put myself out there (even though I would have done so if I'd had the chance). Wasn't intimidated. Was very excited. Felt "holy shit, these are my people" when I walked in. Super happy to see so many kinksters in one place. It was joyous. Not everyone feels that way, though; some people are overwhelmed, intimidated, scared, nervous, and the list goes on. It's about seeing what ways make you interact, but also feel comfortable.

Kink coming out story: I'm always coming out to new people! My favorite stories usually stem from trips in airports or on mass transit. Hilarious conversations usually ensue. One involved 2 drunk guys talking to my boss/colleague and I when we were in Florida for an adult novelties convention, and us showing them male chastity devices because they wanted to see toys and those were at the top of our bag. Perfect coincidence. On a more family-related level, I came out to my mother indirectly when she read my chat logs and some stuff in my journals when I was a teenager. I've come out to her again since, both directly (saying I'm into a variety of kink stuff) and indirectly (hello, bruising!). I've come out to friends, but usually without making a big kerfuffle about it because sexuality is such a huge part of my life in general, that it's not super surprising or unheard of in the circles that I travel.

When did I notice I was kinky? The first big inklings came when I was 14 and I had this kind of random role-play via chat with a guy (he was 18) from an art-site I frequented (deviantART). It started out pretty mellow, and then it turned into this sexualized, violent thing involving me getting impaled in the chest by a rusty spike. I don't even know. It was bizarre. I was confused and turned on and mildly horrified...and that began my first online dating situation. WILD wild stuff, I tell ya. The other big milestone was watching Secretary. Classic. I have SO many fond memories of that movie. It's kind of become code for kinky. If someone tells me they like "Secretary," it's usually a sign that they're kinky. NOT always, but often. For some people, it's like flagging--the hanky code, but with movie choices.

In Mississippi: Vote NO! Save the Pill on 26! Save the Vote on 27!

This is reposted from an email bulletin by Sister Song, a women of color reproductive health collective:

In Mississippi: Vote NO! Save the Pill on 26!

Save the Vote on 27!

What is Initiative 26?    

 

     On November 8, 2011, Mississippians will be given the opportunity to vote on a dangerous amendment to the state Constitution, which will read, "Should the term 'person' be defined to include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning, or the functional equivalent thereof?" This amendment would redefine personhood at conception and it seeks to undo laws that protect abortion rights, stem cell research, in vitro fertilization, and even birth control.

     Many of the amendment's supporters view it as a means to overturn Roe v. Wade in the state of Mississippi, in order to persecute women who decide to have abortions and the doctors that perform them. However, there are implications for people who decide to parent. By defining "personhood" at conception, this could end up criminalizing women who experience miscarriages, stillbirths, or women whose lives are at risk who decide to save their own lives, rather than the fetus.  Initiative 26 could lead to more government intrusion into women's personal lives, such as accessing our medical records to investigate miscarriages, dictating what kind of birth control we use and interfering with medical decisions in treating women whose lives are at risk. By giving constitutional rights to a fertilized egg, the amendment could ban emergency contraception, birth control pills and IUDs as well as all abortions, even in cases of rape, incest, or to save the life of the woman or girl. In short, our rights will be violated in order to uphold the rights of the fetus.

     This amendment will disproportionately criminalize (low-income) women of color as we have seen in other states. Mississippi has the highest concentration of African-Americans, high poverty rate and low education ranking, allowing for this issue to be at the heart of intersectionality for women of color, especially Black women. Because the majority of anti-choice proponents are Republican and white, this issue is highly racialized. Pro-life often means something different in the African-American community. Because of issues around gender, race, class and cultural history, Blacks may describe themselves as being both pro-life and pro-choice.   We cannot allow Initiative 26 to become a moral issue, especially when it directly impacts and criminalizes so many women, especially poor women of color. We must not be influenced by rhetoric that considers women who choose to have an abortion as "murderers" when 61% of women who undergo the procedure are mothers, and 84% will become mothers.

What is Initiative 27?

     On the same ballot there is also a controversial Voter ID exclusion measure, Initiative 27, which will allow voting restrictions that will directly impact women of color. This initiative, if passed, will implement measures that are reminiscent of the 1960's lack of access to the ballot. These two initiatives may be one of the most important opportunities on the ground for the Pro-Choice and Reproductive Justice Movements to work together. To read more about these two Initiatives and what the related intersections mean to women of color, specifically Black women, click here to read an article by our National Coordinator Loretta Ross.

How to join the fight:

What You Can Do..

• First educate yourself on what these Initiatives really mean and the consequences of their implementation.
• You can help in this get-out-the-vote effort by voting and urging everyone you know in Mississippi- your friends, family, co-workers, or members of groups you are affiliated with-to Vote No on Initiative 26 and 27 on November 8, 2011.
• To take direct action, you can donate to various organizations to help the statewide Mississippi coalition campaign buy desperately needed television and radio ads.
• You can share informative posts on Facebook, Twitter and other social media outlets to dispel any myths and clarify the impact of these Initiatives.